Kids hit for various reasons but it’s not because they want to!
It’s normal for us to shout at our kids, “Stop hitting!” because for us, it’s weird. Hitting is something we associate with malice so we try to nip it in the bud right away. But what if we told you that kids don’t hit out of malice? Rather, they hit because they want something and lack the words to do it. How does that work?
When the word “no” doesn’t have a follow-up
“Stop hitting!” or “Don’t grab that!” are probably the most common commands we shout at our kids. Combined with our loud voices, our kids get confused because now they’re frozen, thinking, “What do we do now?” Unfortunately, as we manage the house, we feel we don’t have the bandwidth, the time, or the energy to sit down and tell them what to do. So, we leave it as is.Unfortunately, that’s what makes our kids more inclined to hitting. They only know the word “no” but they don’t know what to do with that “no.”
Addressing “kulang sa pansin” or KSP
Whenever we say kulang sa pansin, it’s often an insult, and instead, we gray rock so as to not give the person what they want. However, that approach only works with adults, not kids. Kids, especially toddlers, are still reliant on their parents to support them as they make sense of the world. Especially if there were a lot of changes, our kids would want to get our attention.And maybe they did use their words but, it fell on deaf ears. We didn’t want to ignore but so many things were happening that we just didn’t hear. Our kids then realize that words don’t work and resort to hitting. We then get mad, of course. Nobody likes getting hit. But to them, that’s better — they get our attention just for a teeny moment. While it doesn’t address the root of the problem, it solves their need for our attention.So, our kids continue hitting. We get angry, they get a high from our attention, and the cycle goes on.
It doesn’t mean we give in whenever they hit, however.
Instantly responding to our kids when they hit however doesn’t do much good — it teaches them to hit to get what they want.However, our kids’ hitting is a call to re-evaluate our schedule and ask ourselves if we spent time with them today. Do we know what they’re doing? While being their mom means we know, can we accurately and concretely point out what our kids are doing? Do we even know what their favorite food is from us? Surprisingly, these little details mean so much to them.
1. Don’t respond to it.
Not even a “no.” or a command. The goal here is to make them realize that hitting does nothing to get what they want. Ignoring their hits may leave some physical bruises but remind ourselves that it’s not because they’re out to kill or hurt us. Our kids want our attention but we also want to teach them that hitting is no way to get it. However, there is a way to stop them while keeping the physical damage to a minimum: just block using our forearm. The act of doing so means there’s additional resistance but stay silent, don’t respond. Just hold on until they stop. Normally, a person, when they truly wish to injure, releases some feelings of “bloodlust” which can paralyze a person with fear. Either that, or there’s no remorse — a symptom of Anti-social Personality Disorder.
2. When they do stop, give them a few minutes.
The mistake we often make is that we respond immediately the moment our kids stop hitting, bridging that association that hitting does get our attention.
However, during the minutes they’re settling down, ask ourselves: What was the big change that caused them to resort to physical force?
But remember also: change is normal but it’s something we recognize later only when we’re adults. When we’re kids, change is scary and life-threatening. Change could mean a new house, a shift in work schedule, and a new baby even! Things like these have so many minute details that in our efforts to take note of them, we neglect our kids in exchange. It’s okay to ignore adults but kids need our attention. It’s especially hard when there’s a baby. It can feel like the whole world needs mommy or daddy and we can’t even be there for ourselves anymore. However, they’re trying their best too and the last thing they need is an overwhelmed parent. The few minutes also gives us some me-time.
3. Be spontaneous in your interaction.
Maybe we can keep a reminder on our phone but don’t be too specific with what we want to do. Even sitting down and talking about the change can help. Cooking their favorite dish, or even a random hug — it can feel great! It may feel like we’re using our kids as therapists at first but in reality, we’re verbalizing what they may be feeling too. At first, they’ll try to be strong about it but the moment we ask them about it, they’ll start bawling alongside us. If there’s anyone who understands the speed and overwhelming sense of change just as much as we do, it’s our kids. When they hit, their frustration has nowhere to go. They can hit Change; it doesn’t have a physical form. It’s why they’ll usually hit the things that are associated with the change like, the new baby or even stuff in the new house.
4. Tell them exactly what we need.
We went through 13 years of school yet for some strange reason, our communication skills just jump out the window when we parent. As adults, we have the tools to tell them what we need in simpler terms. Instead of saying “Stop that!”, tell them what we need to do. It solves two things: it stops our kids from hitting and it teaches them a better way how to interact with the person or object.
Look beyond the violence, find the motive
It may sound like we’re talking about serial criminals but in reality, that’s how all humans behave. Everyone has a motive and a reason as to why they think or behave the way they do. Kids are no different; the only difference is that their reasons are a lot simpler than we think. We’ve gotten so used to complex matters that when it comes to kids’ reasons and concerns, it can make our brains fall by the wayside.
